


The Winchester Way

by T_sixsixsix



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14603394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T_sixsixsix/pseuds/T_sixsixsix
Summary: A brief guide to living and hunting the Winchester way.





	The Winchester Way

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any additional tongue-in-cheek guidance for our boys, put it in a comment & I'll add it to the fic!

[ ] Remember that humankind are God's greatest creation. With their precious qualities of Free Will, Love, Hope, & Imagination, humans can do absolutely *anything* they set their minds to except for designing a lock that you or your brother can't pick in under 30 seconds  
[ ] When killing demons, never forget that inside every black-eyed bastard is a precious, innocent human being, who is suffering horribly and desperately hoping you've come to rescue them. But don't, you know, *dwell* on it too much, okay? Especially when you're outnumbered, pissed off, or just in a hurry.  
[ ] * Monsters and other dangerous supernatural beings are lurking everywhere, and you need all kinds of special supernatural security systems to protect yourself from them, except when you're in a dive bar, greasy spoon diner or cheap motel room.  
[ ] * What's dead should stay dead. Because this isn't a freaking hospital show, and you can't waste 15 to 20 minutes doing CPR on every wounded meatsuit you gank, and what with the 40 gallon tank of holy water and 500 lbs of rock salt you keep in the trunk there's no room for a first aid kit.  
[ ] * Civilians understandably get shook up after being rescued from a gruesome supernatural death. Comfort them by saying "Just go back home. You'll be safe there." This is a bald-faced lie, but it's not like the person can come with you. There's definitely no more room in the trunk  
[ ] * If you do need to keep a tagalong civilian safe while you launch an attack on an unknown number of evildoers in their evil lair, simply handcuff the defenseless person to your large, distinctive vintage automobile, which you have parked in plain sight a short distance from the villains' hideout.  
[ ] * Never use your brother, a fellow hunter, or an innocent civilian as monster bait without first giving yourself at least to the count of ten to think up a better plan.  
[ ] * Your left forearm or palm is a handy source of blood (for spells & rituals, finger-painting, or an alternate form of ID) and can be sliced open several times a week without ever leaving scabs or scars. Also, remember that spilled blood never dries or hardens, and stays bright red indefinitely.  
[ ] * Any child who fails to behave like a pithed frog on Prozac auditioning for a breakfast cereal commercial is probably possessed or has been replaced by a changeling or shapeshifter.  
[ ] Try to avoid being trapped in a cage with Lucifer for all eternity. He's kind of like Annoying Orange, but whinier and not as funny.  
[ ] * There is only one Black person in America, who will follow you around the country cleverly disguised as a series of different Black people, none of whom appear to have Black families, communities, classmates or co-workers. Don't worry; this person is a decontextualized token and poses no threat.  
[ ] * The foregoing information notwithstanding, you should never trust a *supernatural being* of color.  
[ ] * When travelling *anywhere* by car, you should always stick to deserted two-lane roads that pass through scenic places in southwestern British Columbia.  
[ ] * Any substance known to man will burn efficiently if you throw some lighter fluid on it first.  
[ ] * Just because your feeble salt lines got blown away by supernatural winds the *last* five times you promised some poor schmuck that they would "be safe as long as they stayed inside the circle" doesn't mean you shouldn't give that strategy one more try.  
[ ] * When you capture a demon (or witch, or angel or other monster, or even just a professional magician), you should tie them to a chair to make sure they can't escape -- then immediately turn your back or leave the room, giving them a chance to escape. IT'S JUST A THING, OK???  
[ ] * If your idiot brother finds some routine haunting or small-town monster to hunt, get all pissy and sarcastic and remind him that you don't have time for one-off jobs like that because, in case he forgot, the world needs saving.  
[ ] * If your idiot brother wants to waste another day brainstorming Hail Mary plans for saving the world, tell him you found some routine haunting or local monster to gank, and he has ten minutes to get his ass in the car because, in case he forgot, hunting things & saving people is the family business


End file.
